


When You See Me

by squishy_lotus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chubby Kink, Fat Character, Fat Shirabu Kenjirou, M/M, mention of fatphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-02-28 05:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squishy_lotus/pseuds/squishy_lotus
Summary: In middle school, Shirabu is the manager of his school's boys' volleyball team. They don't always take him with them when they go to other schools for practice matches. It would look unseemly for an athletic team to bring along their 300+ pounds manager. It's not too bad because as part of the club mandate they have to bring him to tournaments.That's when he sees him.Ushijima Wakatoshi.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To the people who follow me on tumblr and/or know what I should have been writing instead, thank you for humouring me! To them and everyone else I hope you enjoy!! :D
> 
> Trigger/Content Warning: there's mentioned and implied fatphobia in this. There's also nothing to say how Shirabu feels about his own body except acceptance that could also be read as resignation? So thread carefully if you have body image issues. Stay safe!! xoxoxoxox

 

In middle school, Shirabu is the manager of his school's boys' volleyball team. They give him the position because no girls would take it or because they take pity on him or both. That's fine. He loves volleyball. If that doesn't show on his body, oh well. He loves watching it, the ability it takes, the power of it. He knows that's not something he can do. He doesn't really make friends with any of the team. They talk about him when they think he can't hear them. It doesn't matter. He's a good manager. The coach and the faculty supervisor like him. He takes clean notes and makes good play suggestions. He earns his keep so he gets to watch. Well, most of the time.

They don't always take him with them when they go to other schools for practice matches. It would look unseemly for an athletic team to bring along their 300+ pounds manager. His team knows this, he knows this, that's the way it is. It's not too bad because as part of the club mandate they have to bring him to tournaments.

That's when he sees him.

Shirabu's team is good. They're strong enough that he appreciates getting to see them play every day, but by volleyball standards they aren't tall enough to reach the top. They make it far and pull some really admirable moves but... Eventually they lose and take to the stands to watch the final game. Ushijima Wakatoshi. Shirabu has read about him in a few different magazines. To think he'd have the luck to live in the same prefecture as him. He's on the edge of his seat the entire game, and not just because he can't really fit between the arm rests. Eventually he gives up and stands, leaning against the railing for the rest of the game.

Height and power are the coolest.

Someone from the team must have noticed the rare aura of interest he's projecting because he's joined by a few of the players soon enough. They watch silently at first while behind them the rest of the team chats and snacks.

"You have a glint in your eye, Ken-shiro!" Shirabu rolls his eyes at the combination of his first and last name, but he kind of appreciates the attempt at bonding. Even if it is at the end of the season, in his teammate's last year.

"Hmm." He doesn't look away as Ushijima slams down a no-touch ace. He wants to see that every day. "Well, you're pretty good too, Kane-yan." He says nonchalantly.

"You just thought something really rude, didn't you." He isn't wrong.

"I'm..." He needs to see him every day. "Going to go to Shiratorizawa."

 

The season ends like that. He already had good grades but he studies an insane amount on top of it. He doesn't have friends on the team and that amount isn't really different when he considered the rest of the student body. Honestly he's a bit of a pariah, but the kind that people leave alone. That's okay because he has more time to himself to hit the books. He goes to practice and he goes to the library and he goes home. Somewhere along in his second and third years he gains more weight. He's never been good at being aware of his body so that doesn't change just because his goals do. He gets in and his mom sews him a fitting uniform in the right colours and pattern.

It's weird at first. On his first day the school nurse takes him aside for a chat and he's used to that but it goes relatively fine. She does her best, but Shirabu has already accepted his reality. There's nothing she or anyone else can say to change that. Living in dorms should be weird but it's okay too. His roommate Kawanishi is on the team which is kind of a surprise coincidence but he's quiet and they get along okay. He has to convince Shiratorizawa's coach that the team needs a manager at all, but his conviction and a call to his old advisor are enough to push him through. It's another uniform for his mom to tailor but she's used to it. He's thankful. He's here.

The team is also a little odd at first, but it's mostly because they're not used to having a manager. Eventually he fades into the background for them and Shirabu is ready to be mostly alone again but that's not how things turn out. His upper classmen, especially the ones on the starting team, are actually pretty friendly. Reon gives him a smile every time he enters the room. So does the captain and his vice. Semi is suspicious at first but he eventually warms up. Tendou teases him a lot and it could have been uncomfortable, but instead it just becomes their weird routine. Yamagata is grateful to have someone to help him find his cell phone after every other practice. Kawanishi and the other guy his age don't go out of their way to talk to him but they're supportive in their own way.

Ushijima is more mysterious. They don't really talk except for short interactions when Shirabu hands him a bottle of water or a towel. Sometimes their hands brush but he doesn't seem to notice it or notice him at all really. All Shirabu can do is watch him, and he does. He watches every hit, every success, every few and far between miss. His notes are full of Ushijima Ushijima Ushijima. It would probably be different if they were on the court together, but Shirabu doesn't have the means to make that happen. He's never wanted it that badly before.

 

"Shirabu!"

"Yes, coach!"

Eventually, it happens.

He's in his second year when coach Saito twists his ankle during practice. He still comes to the gym every morning and every afternoon, but he can't toss balls to the setters during spiking practice so coach Washio decides to make use of his student manager. It's awkward. Shirabu runs over, as quickly as his thick legs and heavy body will allow. It feels like the whole team is watching. They probably are. Shirabu can't tell if he doesn't look. He can feel all of his flesh jiggle and quake and his face redden as a result.

After that it's a blur.

The motion is easy and he does it satisfactorily. He has big soft upper arms that hang when he holds his arms out and they kind of get in the way but he makes due. He has his suspicions that Coach makes them practice longer than usual to make Shirabu stay active longer. He wouldn't be the first to pull that move. If he's out of breath by the time they're done, not even Tendou points it out.

The rest of the week is the same, and the rest of the month, too. He's not expecting anything when coach Saito comes into practice one Monday morning with his cast off, but when Shirabu starts getting up to toss balls to a setter, he motions for him to stay seated. Shirabu shrugs and takes up his clipboard again, ready to tally everyone's success rates and quickly fill the gap in his recordings.

He doesn't think anything of anything until practice is over.

"Shi! Ra! Bu?" Tendou's strange lilt gets his attention.

"Tendou-san?" He asks with only mild curiosity.

"Can you stay a bit with us after practice?" He contorts his body in an unsettling way to motion to another player behind him. "Wakatoshi-kyun and I are doing spike practice but! Since I can't set~ we were wondering if you could throw it at me like we did last week?"

"Isn't Semi-san available?"

"Well-" Ushijima tries to cut in but he doesn't stand a chance against Hurricane Tendou. Shirabu learned early on not to question it. When his upperclassman has an idea, it's a feat to get a word in edgewise.

"No! You're our only hope, Ke-n-ji-rou-kunnn!" Tendou says other things but Shirabu is already sold. He sighs. It could be a good way to take a closer look at Ushijima's form. For his notes of course. His official notes, the ones he's here to do.

"Sure."

 

It becomes a regular thing. Tendou is always the one to initiate it even though the extra practice is supposedly for Ushijima. Ushijima doesn't say anything about it. He doesn't say much on the court either. Sometimes he gives Tendou tossing instructions. A few times Shirabu catches him looking at him but who knows what that's about.

At this point, it's such a practiced motion that Shirabu doesn't think about what he looks like when he's doing it anymore. It's not even like climbing stairs where he still gets weird about being in front of anyone, or any other action like that. During the day he's constantly thinking. All his life he's heard about what kinds of impressions his size gives people. It's not like it hasn't rubbed off on him. He's careful in the hallways to make sure his belly doesn't brush up against anyone. He's careful in the classroom, walking to his desk that he doesn't knock anything down with his hips. He's careful eating in public, which has been particularly stressful now that he lives at the school, not that it's kept him from gaining even more weight. In the gym all he has to be mindful of is to be the best manager he can be. If that includes tossing balls for someone to set then that's that.

He takes another one out of the basket next to him. He gets into position. He waits for the signal from Tendou and then up it goes, over his head, right above Tendou where he can lightly jump and send it in a more or less perfect arch into the path of Ushijima's incredibly strong hit. His upperclassmen are both always respectful of his limits but the more they've been having these little sessions, the longer he's been able to go on. Soon they'll have to time it to Ushijima's spiking stamina or Tendou's concentration levels instead. The latter is much more reasonable than the former.

Today, Shirabu is curious. He wants to know. He needs to know how it feels to be the one to set to a powerhouse like Ushijima. Just once he wants that connection.

It's a thought and then, it happens.

It should have been a normal toss. Unconsciously, his hands slip. Instead, it doesn't make it even halfway to where Tendou is standing. Almost like a reflex, Shirabu runs toward it. He's an awful runner but it's perfect timing. He raises his flabby arms and positions his chubby fingers like he's seen Semi, and his middle school setter, and everyone else he's ever watched do. He bends his elbows and taps the ball with as much force as he thinks he needs. It's a higher toss than Tendou's, but Ushijima was watching him and he's ready to hit it when it reaches him.

The ball slams to the ground with a satisfying sound.

Shirabu looks at his hands.

They sting a little. His fingertips are red. In the corner of his eye he's vaguely aware of Tendou coughing once, loudly, and pushing Ushijima forward. He stumbles toward Shirabu awkwardly. He looks up from his hands.

"Nice toss."

He stalks away, forgetting to change shoes when he leaves the gym. Tendou laughs, but it sounds like a cackle. He mumbles something about Waka-chan being unbelievable and then starts picking up stray balls. Shirabu doesn't move. When Tendou walks past him to toss volleyballs into the rolling basket he leans into Shirabu's space and tells him.

"By the way, your shirt got untucked."

Shirabu's hands snap to the hem of his shirt but it's a few good inches above where it should be, leaving a sizeable chunk of his overhang bare. He pulls it down furiously but he's too embarrassed to try and tuck it back in in front of Tendou. He blushes and leaves the gym too. On his way out, he sees Ushijima's shoes and makes a decision.

 

He doesn't know where Ushijima's room is but he has a vague idea of where the third years live and there's a convenient map with everyone's names on it in the lobby. It's on the fifth floor and there are no elevators but Shirabu is determined. It's not easy but at least it's not a busy time of day. Most people are having supper. He doesn't even know if Ushijima will be in his room. It's just a hunch. It's just an impulse. It was an impulse earlier too. He clutches the shoes in one hand and the railing in the other. He takes his time when he gets to the right floor, to regulate his breathing and hope his face isn't too red.

He knocks on the door three times and waits.

"Hello?"

"Ushijima-san." Ushijima looks down at him in casual clothes Shirabu has never seen before. "You forgot your shoes."

He doesn't know what he was expecting. Nothing, really. There's nothing between them. They're not friends, they don't really talk, they're not even teammates really. He just wanted to give him his shoes back. He just wanted to do something nice for him and maybe... maybe get noticed for it a little.

"Thank you."

Ushijima takes the shoes from his hands. He got acknowledged. That's kind of like getting noticed. He should probably go. Shirabu nods without a word. It should be enough. It isn't. Despite everything that already happened today, he's still curious.

"Ushijima-san?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you look at me so much?"

This time Shirabu doesn't know what he's expecting. He doesn't get any vibes from Ushijima. It's not like with the boys on his old team where he could tell if they hated him or tolerated him or were disgusted by him or rarely if liked him but didn't have the guts to say anything. He doesn't anticipate Ushijima's answer.

"I like you."

Ushijima... is pink around the edges. It's a strange look but one Shirabu doesn't mind looking at. He's as tall as ever and mostly as stoic as ever but... he's still holding his shoes. Ushijima sighs and looks away.

"Tendou... knows. That's why he's making you practice with us."

A few things start to make sense. A few more don't.

"You Rang?" A voice rings out from behind Shirabu and his heart leaps unpleasantly at the surprise. Across the hall from Ushijima's dorm room the door opens to reveal two beds and two desks. One side is relatively clean and sparsely decorated and seems to be Semi's. The other is a poster-covered train wreck and is clearly Tendou's.

"No." Ushijima answers simply.

"I'll just. Leave you two alone then!!" Tendou slams the door shut with a playful cackle and Shirabu and Ushijima can both hear Semi loudly scolding Tendou for meddling. Shirabu waits for the awkwardness to pass before asking.

"You like me?"

"Yes."

"In a romantic way?"

"Yes."

"We've barely spoken." Shirabu is flattered. He's thrilled, honestly. It's just such a surprise that it's kind of suspicious. There isn't much to like about him in the first place and whatever there is, someone kind of needs to talk to him to find out about it. It doesn't add up.

"Yes."

"So why then? Why do you like me?"

"I like the way you look." It seems painful for Ushijima to say which is the only reason why Shirabu decides to believe him. He wouldn't have guessed that Ushijima would be that kind of person. He didn't really think that kind of person existed. Someone who could like him for his body when his body looks... the way it does. Like the body of someone who is only 5ft 8 but now weighs over 400 pounds.

"Okay." Shirabu says simply. It's probably not a simple thing but with someone as straight forward as Ushijima it feels like it should be. They stay silent for a bit, computing. Shirabu kind of wants Ushijima to be the one to talk next, but he won't force him to. He's not that cruel.

Instead, someone else does it for him. From behind the door across the hall they both hear Semi yell "Just date already!" in his gruff frustrated voice. Clearly he and Tendou have both been listening to them the whole time. Not that Shirabu expected anything else, even from his upperclassmen.

"Is that what you want?" He asks Ushijima.

"Is that what you want?" Ushijima asks back without any change in tone. He seems fine. Maybe a little nervous. Shirabu thinks about it, but he doesn't have to think too long.

"Yes."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They make out. It's good. Really good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wasn't expecting this little fic to have a second part but here we are! Honestly, I just couldn't get the image of them smooching out of my head lol (I hope the summary is clear enough in that I'm not bragging about my writing at all, I'm just saying they kiss and they like it lol)
> 
> TW: Shirabu has some pretty harsh internalized fatphobia at the beginning of this chapter, remember to practice self-care and skip ahead if you need to xoxoxox (It stops after Tendou's brief appearance so anything after his name is safe!)

 

 

“It isn’t very logical.”

“It’s plenty logical.”

Ushijima isn’t grumpy per say, but his silence isn’t complacent either. Shirabu gets it, but he’s not about to supply his boyfriend with the information he wants. He doesn’t care how much Ushijima says he’s into his body. It’s embarrassing. He’d love to go up to Ushijima’s room for their study date, but he can’t. It’s too high up, and too warm, and there isn’t an elevator, and it’s going to be during the weekend when everyone is there. He’s going to be panting and sweating and gross and even thinking about it makes him feel like he’s less than.

If only Ushijima would just let it go.

“It just makes sense. Reon has a girlfriend therefor my room will naturally be unoccupied all day. Kawanishi needs more sleep. Even if he agrees to leave your room for the day, it will ultimately be to the detriment of the team.”

“I know that!” It’s in Shirabu’s stats and it’s been imprinted into his brain from how many times Ushijima has felt the need to repeat it.

“Then what’s the problem?” Shirabu knows he just wants to understand. He also knows that he’s denying Ushijima access to him by refusing to tell him why he would rather they have their study date in his air conditioned first floor dorm room.

“…Nothing. Let’s go.” He’s just not ready. Shirabu looks down. He’s not expecting to see his shoes, but the sentiment is there. “It’s a date.”

 

 

Ushijima seems pleased all week. It’s a little annoying and a little sweet. Until Saturday afternoon when they’re both standing at the bottom of the four flights of stairs.

He isn’t saying anything, but Shirabu can tell Ushijima is embarrassed by his previous insistence. It’s still nothing compared to how Shirabu feels. Ushijima tugs his hand and they hang back, leaning against the wall. Students come and go, looking at them on their way. Shirabu feels their gaze like actual touches on his skin, unpleasant like bugs or a doctor’s pinches. Ushijima is in a track suit. Shirabu tried to look nice. He’s wearing slacks and a dress shirt. The contrast and result is disheartening. The Shiratorizawa Ace would probably look good in a dirty potato bag. Shirabu feels like a starchy potato.

“Are you still okay with this?” Ushijima finally asks. Shirabu should back down. He doesn’t. He nods.

They go up.

They take it slow. Part of Shirabu expected Ushijima to forget and forge ahead without him. Having him hang back and follow his pace feels half sweet and half silly. Shirabu feels silly. He takes it one step at a time. He’s done this before, but it was a big deal back then too and it wasn’t as crowded. Ushijima refuses to go in front or behind him too so they’re blocking over seventy percent of the stairwell, creating a bottleneck. He wants to scold his boyfriend, but he can’t. He looks straight ahead and tries not to think about how red he knows he’s getting.

They take a break halfway through. Again they lean against the wall and let other students walk past them. Shirabu tries to catch his breath. His shirt collar feels tight, his belt feels tighter. He knows he should have taken the out. This is humiliating. He can’t look at Ushijima at all. Part of him expects to be broken up with on the spot. Who would want to date someone who can’t make it two flights of stairs without melting into a pathetic puddle of fat and sweat? His mind veers to even more self-deprecating thoughts but they’re interrupted when Ushijima takes his chubby hand in his. Shirabu’s mind is blank. Ushijima gives his thick fingers a light squeeze. Shirabu looks up at Ushijima’s face but he’s staring straight ahead.

“It’s fine.” He says. To someone else that might not really sound encouraging, but from Ushijima it means a lot. Encouraged, they go up the last two flights. They’re almost all the way up when they hear a familiar voice.

“Hey!” Tendou waves.

“Hey.” Semi appears behind him.

Shirabu looks at Ushijima with an eyebrow raised. The look says it all. ‘How is this any better than going to my place?’ Ushijima actually looks apologetic.

“What is this, a welcome committee?” Tendou says since they won’t. He laughs at his own joke. They make it up the last few stairs and Shirabu leans against the doorframe.

“Here,” Semi hands Shirabu a cold bottle of water. Shirabu takes it, surprised.

“Thanks.”

Tendou wants to chat, but Semi drags him back into their room. Ushijima unlocks his door. They sit on his bed and actually take their homework out. They go through the motions of a study date, more study than date. Twenty minutes pass. Shirabu still seems uncomfortable. Ushijima steals glances of him.

“…Sorry.” Ushijima says finally.

“For what?” Shirabu asks reflexively before remembering. “It’s fine,” He says before Ushijima can answer him. He nods. He’s not sure what comes after this.

“You can call me Wakatoshi.”

Shirabu blushes.

“O-okay.” He thinks for a second, but he doesn’t really have any doubts. “You can call me Kenjirou,” He says back.

“Thank you.”

Ushijima gathers his notebook and textbook to the side, Shirabu does the same. He wants to be closer but he’s not sure how to shuffle over gracefully. Ushijima beats him to it. With his towering frame, he leans in.

 

They have their first kiss.

 

Soft. Soft. Everything is so soft. Ushijima’s lips are so soft. Shirabu’s cheeks are so soft. Their faces together are so soft. Their touches are so soft. Their eyelashes are so soft. The warmth that envelopes them is so soft. Ushijima’s hands tracing their way up Shirabu’s arms are so gentle. Shirabu’s hair is so silky. Ushijima’s comforter is plush. Shirabu’s chest more so. The way their bodies press against each other is comforting. They feel whole and alive. They press their lips together again and again and again. They get a little spitty once their tongues come out but it’s both of their first kiss. They forgive each other and explore each other and experience each other.

Shirabu’s hands roam first. He slides one up Ushijima’s well defined thigh. The other ghosts his side. He doesn’t expect Ushijima to be ticklish and he’s right, he isn’t. His body is hard under the smooth fabric of his zip up hoodie. Shirabu wants to zip it down but he’s not sure if he should yet. Meanwhile his boyfriend’s hands find all sorts of places to touch. Hips, rolls, swells, folds. He’s cautious, not overly intrusive, ghosting over parts he’ll want to come back to later. Shirabu isn’t really ticklish either.

They pause to catch their breath. Shirabu has never seen Ushijima this flushed before. It’s a good look on him. His eyes are glossy, his lips parted and swollen. His hands grip places Shirabu can’t remember anyone ever touching before. He wants more.

Shyly, he tugs Ushijima closer until his boyfriend is straddling his legs. In this position, Shirabu can’t help but wrap his arms around him and hug him, holding him tightly. It’s a change of pace, but Ushijima bends his head down to kiss the crown of his head. Kenjirou has never felt this close to anyone before. Neither has Wakatoshi.

From this perspective, Wakatoshi smells like grass and deodorant. Shirabu smells like shortbread and shampoo.

Wakatoshi sits on Kenjirou’s thighs. He laces his fingers behind his boyfriend’s head. He changes his mind and frees one up to trace his ear, his cheek, his nose, his lips. In return, Kenjirou sneaks a hand up the back of his shirt and rests a palm in the small of his lower back. Nothing about him is small and yet Wakatoshi feels like he’s being swaddled from that one touch.

Kenjirou can feel Wakatoshi’s hardness pressed against his lower belly. He has a similar situation between his legs but there’s a silent understanding that neither of them will do anything about that today. Instead the kiss and kiss and kiss, quickly, deeply, tenderly, until hours later when Reon knocks before coming in. There isn’t really a way to pretend they were doing anything when their hair is all mussed up and their clothes are all messed up, so he smiles at them and announces he’s going to take a bath. They straighten each other out, another act of tenderness.  

Ushijima walks Shirabu down the stairs. It’s not as difficult as going up but they still take their time. Outside it’s getting dark but it’s almost curfew and there are too many students around to be any more intimate. They wave goodbye, hearts light and full, knowing there will be many next times.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this second part! It should be the final part since I don't have anything else planned in this verse :p I collected a bunch of references for what I think Shirabu looks like, so hopefully I'll draw some stuff from this fic at some point! If I do it will be on my tumblr squishylotus :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I hope you enjoyed this!! This fic has an alternate? Sort of? Ending???? Ish??? Like. 216 words I could have included at the end of this thing except if I did I would have had to have written a whole bunch more after that? And those 216 words can be found on my tumblr squishylotus for your viewing pleasure/torture :)


End file.
